Peeling Off the Layers

2009-02-11T18:51:00.002-05:00

I must be some huge disappointment to my mom. She must have had some really huge plans for me, or something, because now all she wants is to get me out of the house. I'd be happy to oblige.

God. I hate to say this, to freak you out (any of you, and please note this isn't really something I'd ever do, but I've thought about as most people do at some point) but I've been thinking about how it'd be nice to be dead. It's not like I'd have to fucking worry about disappointing mom even further by being a failure or anything of the sort. I'd be gone, and that'd be the end.

Augh. I'm sorry.
I just feel so shitty right now.

Hello, Helicopter

2009-01-11T20:02:00.002-05:00

Hello helicopter, are you here to stay?
Bodies rest in motion, fighting night and day
Well it's kill or be killed
And one day we'll get the best of them
Hello helicopter, will you be my friend?
Will you take me away?

Hello helicopter,have you heard the news?
No one gives a shit about the things they do
We all waste and consume, destroy and ruin everything we touch
It's easy not to think when you're not told that much

I'm not saying anything you haven't heard before
I'm just trying to understand the way we are

Hello helicopter, are you lost out there?
Swimming through the garbage dump that fills the air
In several more years no one will care
They'll be rich and dead
So let somebody else devise a cure for it

I'm not saying anything you haven't heard before
I'm just trying to understand the way we are

Nobody seems to care
Nobody ever learns

Hello helicopter, are you here to stay?
Bodies rest in motion, fighting night and day
Well it's kill or be killed
And one day we'll get the best of them
Hello helicopter, are you listening?

Nobody seems to care
Nobody ever learns

Are we ever going to get it right?
Are we ever going to start making sense
And stop pretending that we care?

Are we ever going to get it right?
Are we ever going to start making sense
And stop pretending that we care?

Are we ever going to get it right?
Are we ever going to start making sense
And stop pretending...

Hello helicopter, are you here to stay?
Bodies rest in motion, fighting night and day
Well it's kill or be killed
And one day we'll get the best of them
Hello helicopter, are you listening?

I sort of feel like that. I'm not really sure what that is, though. I think I'm just tired, heart-hurt, and world-wary. The average.

At the expense of my dignity, I have joined a dating site. God knows it's probably the worst thing I'll ever do, but who knows. Maybe somebody out there isn't a total creeper. Maybe somebody out there isn't so bad. Or maybe they all are, and if nothing else comes of it, I'll have some good stories of just how awful some people are.

And on the subject of people: I need to stop being lazy and get to work on Let It Out. I mean, really, we could probably all do a lot of good for the world with something so simple — not that I've set my sights so high. But really, it's exactly the kind of thing that people should do for other people. Like random, free hugs. If people would spend a little more time with other people, the world might end up being a better place.

But don't fucking ask me to recycle. I'm not that motivated.

I don't need to say any more.

2008-12-23T17:06:00.001-05:00

You there! Cake or Death?!

2008-12-20T22:26:00.002-05:00

Somehow, I managed to forget that today being the twentieth means that Christmas is four days away. Now I feel retarded. :D

I also realize that I haven't got any money for buying anyone anything for Christmas. This makes me sad. I shall have to acquire a job, and then buy everyone absolutely fantastic birthday presents. Like Vodka. Everyone loves Vodka! It will be Absolut Vodka, yes. Then, I can say 'Have an absolut-ly fantastic birthday!' Yes. I like this idea.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2008-12-20T20:55:00.002-05:00

Acheron Thanatos (8:49:08 PM): dude

Acheron Thanatos (8:49:17 PM): the tinman is very homosexual in this movie

mixdtapeheronine (8:49:17 PM): PURPLE!

Acheron Thanatos (8:49:26 PM): but when i told my dad that, he disagreed with me.

mixdtapeheronine (8:49:47 PM): Hahaha. I can't agree with that because I don't remember.

Acheron Thanatos (8:49:53 PM): d'awww.

Acheron Thanatos (8:50:00 PM): it's just the expressions he makes

Acheron Thanatos (8:50:08 PM): if it wasn't for those i wouldn't think so

Acheron Thanatos (8:50:13 PM): they're very mr. zona like

mixdtapeheronine (8:50:22 PM): Hahaha!

mixdtapeheronine (8:50:32 PM): Maybe it was Mister Zona.

Acheron Thanatos (8:50:43 PM): totally

Acheron Thanatos (8:50:48 PM): he traveled back in time

Acheron Thanatos (8:51:01 PM): using the time warp

Acheron Thanatos (8:51:04 PM): and made this movie.

Ex Dee.

2008-12-16T00:27:00.000-05:00

"Good, you can ride the yeti back."
That is all.

Ugh.

2008-12-13T12:57:00.002-05:00

It's nice to know that I can trust people. Really. I mean, when I tell you that I wished you would stop smoking, and you told me you would, I believed you. I also believed you when I asked you again later and you promised with some great vehemence that you quit when you told me.

And then I found your cigarettes.
What else have you lied about, hm, and why am I not surprised?

My Favorite Accident

2008-12-10T13:24:00.002-05:00

Aside from exploding fruity pebbles, I may have had my favorite accident ever.

So, I've been wanting to make a sponge cake forever and a day now, but when I finally got home I discovered that there was no sugar, and barely enough flour. So, I finally got some of the aforementioned. Well, when I got home I discovered that my bag of sugar had a hole in the bottom [1]. I got that mostly taken care of by putting it in the sugar dispenser and the thing we keep sugar in for baking purposes. Well, I figured since the hole was in the bottom of the sugar bag, I'd just turn the damn thing upside down and precariously perch the faulty bag in the cupboard with no fair warning to the poor sap who was going to open it next. WELL. [2] While I was reaching up to put the bag away I smacked it on the range light and it opened the top-turned-bottom. Sugar explosion. There was sugar EVERYWHERE. In the stove next to the flame, all over the floor, all over the light thingy. It was all over me. So, half-an-hour later and I've got that mess cleaned up. Time to make the cake.

Except I can't find the goddamn cake pans [3]. Miracle, we have several muffin/cupcake pans, so I was like... Hey! Sponge cupcakes. Brilliant idea! So we've got all these little sponge cupcakes and nothing to put on them. Well, as luck would have it, I remembered how to make milk chocolate by using our recipe for no bake cookies.

Turns out, sponge cake and milk chocolate is amazing together, however these little beauties would probably throw a diabetic into a coma.

But they taste amazing.
So, I discovered that I'm a bakery genius. What'd you find out over these past couple of days?

I Love...

2008-12-07T15:58:00.002-05:00

December. For many reasons, really. First of all, you can finally start decorating for Christmas. Secondly, now that it's snowing and Thanksgiving has passed... I can finally start singing Christmas music without being pelted with rotten vegetables wherever I go. Don't ask me how, I was in a butcher shop the other day and I started singing Let it Snow! and the guy hit me right in the face with a tomato.

Okay, so not really.
Actually, mom put up the Christmas tree, strung it with garlands and lights while I was asleep and left the rest up to me. I went about decorating and now I'm really feeling the Christmas spirit. I can't wait until it gets dark, I love the way Christmas lights look in the dark. There's some kind of holiday romance that goes with it — even if I really don't have a soul with which to share said romance.

It'll be nice when people are around again, aside from my parents.

People Are Fragile Things

2008-12-01T02:53:00.001-05:00

It's strange sleeping in an empty bed. It's even stranger not having someone to wish goodnight when you're right next to them. You ask me if I miss you when you're not around.
What can I say? I miss you being near, I miss your laughter, I miss your scent, and I miss your touch. Yes, I miss you when you go away.

Who wouldn't?

If I Was Slightly... Naughty.

2008-11-27T17:57:00.002-05:00

Hello new friend, my name is Fred,
The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred,
and I've been...
very Naughty.

The story I'm about to tell,
I tell you, I will tell it well.
It's of my dear aunt Muriel,
and just how I've been...
Naughty.

Voi-la, the farm, my aunt lives here.
With precious pup, and husband dear.
My heart beat fast as I drew near.
I felt so nice...
And naughty.

I thought just how excited they
must be that I would come today.
They'd shout come here — huzzah hooray! —
Dear boy who looks so...
naughty.

That's when my tired eyes beheld
a doggy dog, like dog he smelled.
A d-o-g it what he spelled,
and that's how I spell...
naughty.

Alone was I with tender Courage
and all his fur, his furry furrage.
Which, I say, did encourage
me to be...
quite naughty.

...

It was a day I cannot forget:
The day I first met my pet.
Oh, what a lovely gift to get!
I'd never felt so...
naughty.

My fuzzy friend is what he was,
this darling little ball of fuzz,
and oh such fuzz — such fuzz! — it does
demand that I...
be naughty.

He looked at me, his fetching eyes
and fetching fur did hypnotize.
I filled with joy, I filled with sighs,
and that's when I got...
naughty.

This dripping hair, this droopy curl,
unfurls sweet memories of a girl
with tresses, oh, they twist and twirl!
And tempt me to be...
naughty.

Barbara, my love was named
and her fair hair a mane untamed,
until one evening I'm ashamed,
I got a little...
naughty.

The look upon my young love's face
was sweet and lace.
But in this case,
I realized she...
needed space.

I never more was naughty...
well, maybe not never.

Dear cur, your fur and fleece remind
of nothing found in human kind,
but for one fellow who did find
me to be...
in a certain mood.

Into my shop he walked one day,
with bush above and beard bouquet!
That's now toupee, I prayed, no way!
I could help but be...
You know.

I'd never seen such hair before!
His bangs they sang, his neck it beckoned.
Eyebrows, armpits, all were reckoned,
soon I figured "What the heck", and —
guess how I was naughty.

...So ends our little story.

But then my landlords did presume
to free me from that porcelain tomb.
And ferried to a private room
Your hero, ever-doughty.

Goodbye, dear aunt, I'll miss your farm,
and Eustace's ebullient charm.
And farewell Courage, what's the harm
If I was slightly...
Naughty?

Very comedy meets Edgar Allen Poe. It's from Courage the Cowardly Dog, the episode called "Freaky Fred" whiiiich you can watch here. It was always my favorite episode, I got bored, so i sat down and typed out almost the entire monologue, at least the rhyming part. Enjoy~!

So,

2008-11-27T15:43:00.000-05:00

I got Rick Roll'd by Macys. That was my Thanksgiving.

I Just Wanna See You Cry, It Makes Me Smile

2008-11-26T22:26:00.003-05:00

What an interesting almost-week. Well, not really. In the past several days I have watched so much television and done so much nothing that I thought for a little while I might have gone catatonic. Or might go catatonic. I might still, you know, it sounds like fun and I could really use the vacation. But! Not until after Friday, because Friday I get to see you silly college friends of mine before you go back to your silly colleges. And I get to go shopping, which I direly need. I am down to one single pair of pants that lacks holes other than the ones where you put your feet and waist. I won't tell you where the holes are, you probably don't want to know.

They're in the crotch area. Or groin, I guess.
I guess I told you after all.

Anywho, I think I might be losing my mind. Seriously. I have been hearing and seeing things for the last week, and now it's gone beyond those ridiculous fuzzy things. It's become hopping kittens and large splotches. As for hearing things... It's sounded like someone had their hands on my window when it was wet and ran their fingers down the glass (that obnoxious EEEEEEEERRRRRT noise), and someone slamming both hands on a window like they wanted to break the glass and get inside. My favorite, and by favorite I mean most frightening, is when I was in the other room and it sounded like someone yelled. A quick intake of breath and then "AHH!" Apparently no one else heard it, and no one made the noise. I'm actually rather scared by this.

And now...
Je dois partir maintenent parce que ma grand-mere est flambee.

Do You Call My Name~?

2008-11-23T16:47:00.002-05:00

I'm tired. So very, very tired. I just want the end of the week to come. I just want to crawl back into bed with you. I just want to curl myself around you. I don't care if I said I would never do it again. I don't care that I know it's going to get me hurt again. At least while I hurt I know that I'm alive.

---

I managed to break a blood vessel or something in my right eye, but I don't know how. There's a red splotch next to my pretty blue. It's in the corner, so I look like some scary fucking monster. And it's fantastic, but I have a headache and I think I might be coming down with a cold. Insert Yeehaw here.

In other news, we'll be having our first very-little-family-Thanksgiving this year, because we've got friends coming, as well as Matt, the demon-in-law, and their cute little devil spawns. Which means this Thanksgiving is going to either be Hell or awesome, and kind of strange without Uncle Jack making bad jokes, no Grandma being a loony, and no Amber bitching up a storm and skittering around the kitchen like a hen that's been kicked. You know, like the ones on Zelda. Except, if we were to kick Amber around, she won't multiply ten fold and rain down from the sky with the wrath of an angry woman. She'd just turn around and sock us a good one.

Aww. Now I'm going to miss it.

---

Now, I think somehow when we become upset: sad or angry or any other sort of negative emotion, we all become romantics and poets. We write with more detail, with imagery, and we all do it so beautifully.

Someone explain why all of my friends inner-poets are all EMO.

Why d'you sing Hallelujah, if it means nothing to you?

2008-11-19T04:31:00.002-05:00

A love lost that was never had. Is that possible? I have so many questions, as per usual. And as per usual, they all go unanswered because no one in this wide world knows the answers. Why is the sky blue? I mean, unscientifically. We all know it has to do with the way something reflects off something else, making the sky look blue, but why? Why was it made to be blue and not orange? Why is the grass green and not purple?

Why does it hurt so much to lose; to love? If you get a heart transplant from someone with a broken heart, will you feel their pain? Can you feel someone's pain sitting ten feet from them? How about shoulder to shoulder? Why does it hurt when you know someone whose hurting? Why does it damn near kill me whenever I see someone cry? And why is it I can't stop it? Why can't I fix it? And how is it that, without giving my heart it was stolen, stomped on, thrown out the window and laughed at as it fell? Why am I so naive? Why do I bother? Where's my Prince Charming? When will my day come? Where is my happy ending?

All of these questions, and no answers. The ones that bother me most are those last three. So uncertain, my future. It scares me like nothing else can scare me, knowing that my fate is still undecided (beyond dying sooner or later). There are far too many ifs.

As human beings we learn something new everyday. Yesterday, (or I suppose two days ago, being that's it's four thirty AM) I learned that I am not allowed to be happy. That every time something good comes along it is snatched from my hand in a constant reminder that I cannot have my life and be happy. It also makes me wonder if the entire thing wasn't some sort of joke, one that even I, for all my good humor and terrible jokes, cannot laugh at and do not understand. I spilled my heart, practically for someone I should have figured would have turned out to be nothing more than another pipe dream dangled teasingly before me by some cruel deity.

Maybe this is a sign that I need to be a better person. That I should go fight AIDS in Africa, or feed the starving children right here (oh yes!) in Sherburne. Something to right all of my karmic wrongs. I am too stuck in my ways to change now, my soul is too old.

These are the days where I wish I was still small enough to crawl back into that space that is below a mother's chin, above her lap, and between her arms. These are the days I wish I could climb my umbilical cord back up into the womb where everything was as simple as kick, stretch, turn, eat, sleep. I thought that maybe I knew everything by now, that because my heart had been broken I was now an impregnable fortress of ice and stone, omniscient by default. Perhaps that was my folly.

I am Icarus, flying to close to the sun.

2008-11-16T16:38:00.003-05:00

We lay in each other's space, staring up at the ceiling like stars. Everyone's back, all four of us (even if some of us never left), and together we make an impenetrable barrier. For this short while we'll pretend that none of us is going to leave again and that will make everything okay for the time being.

When you leave again, I'll cry, but I won't ask you to stay. You have bigger things to attend to, away from this life-trap. I wish all the best for you both.

I Want to Know

2008-11-13T19:46:00.002-05:00

Where has the romance gone? Fleeing, perhaps, from every door and window and orifice a home can offer, right away from my heart. I am not willing to admit to love, not yet (If I love you, what business is it of yours?). I will not be snagged so easily. I care, however, and that should mean something.

I cannot tell you how to run your life, but I can tell you that I wish you would take matters into your own hands before you hand yourself over to uncaring strangers who only wish to make you another cog in the machine that had killed millions and will continue to kill (what's this? Drawn and talk of peace?) more until the machine they have made stands once more on top of the world (or consumes it entirely).

Of Nothing and Nothingness

2008-11-11T02:16:00.002-05:00

Life has been so utterly commonplace lately that I have nothing to report, except maybe that I have already received the best Christmas present I have ever gotten, and that December draws ever closer. The knowledge of the latter has my heart beating to a samba rhythm that I have only ever felt once before.

This world we live in is a very strange place indeed.

The Cruel Irony of Life

2008-11-05T20:15:00.002-05:00

It's forty five miles to the one person who I can talk to more easily than anyone else, who can draw it out of me without try, who can distract me with ridiculousness and make every problem go away without me having to ask.

The cruel irony of life is that whenever something good happens to me, something else seems to get in the way and fuck it all up for me. Lovely.

I'm feeling...

2008-10-24T18:52:00.003-04:00

Particularly happy today. Well, not exactly happy, but rather content. I've been sleeping the hours that most people in this here timezone do, and for some reason it's given me this whole new... I'm not exactly sure how I'd like to put it, actually. I just know that I'm more prone to blowing my problems off instead of doting on them like the whole universe revolves around me.

Though, let me tell you, my sense of adventure has taken no blow. I think being awake during the day hours in such a beautiful season has led me to feel like migrating. To another country. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see more of the US, but there's just so much more out there to see and do.

But I still hate my sister-in-law. :]

It's Scary How...

2008-10-21T18:15:00.001-04:00

I am so easily reminded of the fragility of life. When one so close yet so far away attempts to take their life, I find myself wondering about my own mortality. I also feel like I could have been there to do something about it, to fix whatever it is that makes her hurt so that she could try such a thing. I feel as though I should be there now, holding her close and reminding her that we're here and that she has us, and that there's no reason for such a thing.

I'm more scared than I have ever been in my life. I need so badly to be reminded that things will be okay.

Ahh...

2008-10-19T03:25:00.001-04:00

What does it mean to be in love?

I need...

2008-10-15T00:34:00.001-04:00

To stop making everything about me. I relate everything with personal experiences, always. "Well, I..." You don't matter that much. The world doesn't revolve around you.

Good God.

On weather...

2008-10-08T19:54:00.002-04:00

I have slept through another day. And I don't particularly feel bad about it. It was rainy and cold, and probably altogether depressing anyway. I wish it would just get it over with and snow. I mean, I hate the cold with a passion that burns more than a thousand white-hot suns... but I'd rather it was snowy and cold than rainy and cold. I'm more apt to get sick when it's rainy and cold. Blah.

Besides.
Snow is... romantic, I guess you could say.

I...

2008-10-07T20:07:00.002-04:00

Haven't written in a while. There hasn't been much to write about, other than a nightmarish reverie not involving zombies which is half relieving and half worrisome.

I am...

2008-10-05T04:31:00.001-04:00

Happy. Healthy. Mature. Female. Pretty. Slightly over-weight. Confident. Open. Bright. Snarky. Funny. Outgoing. Likable. Upbeat. Amazing. Pure.

What more could a girl ask for?
I mean, I'm not exactly a saint, but I'm not a bad person. I like to think that I sit somewhere directly in the middle, a place which — in this context — isn't so bad.

Times is Hard

2008-10-03T18:39:00.001-04:00

So smile a little more, frown a little less.
And dream a little dream.

Life won't always be as down as it is.

Irony is...

2008-10-02T21:42:00.000-04:00

Not doing laundry all week, then discovering — once you decide to do your laundry because you actually have to somewhere and can't wear dirty clothes — that you haven't got any laundry soap.

But a Dream...

2008-10-02T03:42:00.002-04:00

If I'm sleeping, may I die upon waking.
I am only sad you didn't say something earlier.